I don’t know that I have felt more utterly exhausted than I have the past few weeks. I have been dealing with some minor health issues which, in themselves, can drag you down. I believe, worse so, is that the stress associated with worrying with these issues. Stress can be physically and mentally draining. It acts as a catalyst to the creation of an ever vicious cycle. One that, unless halted, can create destruction.
If you have read some of my previous posts, you have seen me mention before that I am a worrier. So, as you can imagine, when these physical complications came to a peaking point, I immediately began mentally preparing for the worst. I am a nurse. I prepare for the worst and hope for the best, meanwhile discovering several possible reasons for the problems at hand, and develop plans of action for each route. It is what I do. It is how I have saved lives. It is embedded so deeply within me. Therefore, it is only natural that I do the same when it comes to my own health. Whilst I was creating this mental game plan, my family was literally freaking out. Here I am with these complaints, a family history, and seem to be pretty calm on the face of things. What I didn’t let them see was the stress and worry that I had been placing on myself. I didn’t initially share that with them. They were already upset and worried, why add to that?! So I worried. And I ruminated. And I pretended that I didn’t feel a since of dread inside.
Then I broke.
I don’t cry in front of people much. I will say that it has changed since having children some. Those cute little boogers do something to your hormones, man. They change you, emotionally, in ways you never imagined. However, it still remains. I don’t usually cry around others. I try to hold it together. Again, I believe some of that has to do with my line of work. It isn’t to say I haven’t broken down an innumerable amount of times, but I try to hold it together. One night, I crawled into bed after showering and just began bawling and telling my husband that I was scared. We talked about it for quite some time and what I realized was that, he was too. Imagine how much better we both would have felt if I would have opened that line of communication sooner. After we talked it about it all, I immediately felt better. And have since. The issues are still present, but my since of stress and worry over them have decreased greatly.
It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to, has power over you, if you let it.
My point is that, I believe we all have these periods of turmoil that present themselves. These times where we feel out of control and overwhelmed with tension and seem to be stuck on a swift downward spiral. It can effect us physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It can alter our relationships. It wears us down, makes us tired, forces us to neglect the things that we enjoy. The things that keep us motivated.
That is why I haven’t been writing these last few weeks. I neglected to keep up the things that kept me motivated. Spending time doing the things that we enjoy is so important toward snuffing out the engulfing flames of depression. I halted doing my yoga practice and stepped away from my blog. When I mentioned it to my husband, he realized how it has been such a positive thing for me, and suggested I start back. So here I am.
Open up to those you are close to. Confide in them. Don’t keep all of that inside. And keep up all of the things that bring happiness to your life and keep you motivated. Don’t give strength to the troubles that arise. Take one thing at a time, and try (I know it is hard) to let go of what you cannot control.