I have always envied others. Part of me likes to think that we all do. Not necessarily because I desire us all to covet what others have, but because that thought would mean that I wasn’t alone. That I wasn’t the only one who longed for something that others had and I didn’t. It isn’t that I want their house, or car. And that snazzy trip they’re about to go on, pshhhh, I could care less.
It’s the self-esteem. Confidence. Self love.
This is something that I have put off writing about. I have put off making myself vulnerable in this manner. However, I feel like it is needed. The wonderful members of the FWFG kula have inspired me to share. Because, as I am making positive strides in my journey, I know I am not travelling alone. Many struggle and feel as though they cannot speak on this. Know that you can. You are supported.
Never have I loved my body and rarely have I loved myself. If you ask me to identify a positive quality, I will struggle. However, I could easily drum up a long list of negatives. My self-esteem has always been minimal and I spoke quite poorly of myself. I cannot honestly remember a time when I valued who I truly was, at any age. Accepting a compliment was impossible. How could I accept something that I could not imagine to be true? The problem is, when we have these self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, they affect all aspects of our lives and may affect those around us. I cannot tell you how many times my husband asked me why I could not easily accept the compliments that he so sweetly gives me. I had no answer. I couldn’t explain to him how I felt, because I didn’t even know. I didn’t understand it. Luckily, I have a kind husband whom loves me fiercely, and always reminds me how beautiful he thinks I am. He is so patient, and forever kind. Without him, I truly would be lost.
What it came down to was my lack of love and acceptance for myself. There was no way that I could accept someone telling me I was beautiful, when I didn’t even believe it.
Lately, I have found myself on a journey. One that I unknowingly had embarked on. I reckon all of the best journeys are unplanned. I am growing to love myself. To love the lumps, the bumps, the curves, the dimples, freckles, stretch marks, scars. Just love it all. It is still a work in progress. I won’t pretend that I don’t still sulk when my mommy-pudge seems to big, or when something doesn’t fit like I want it to. But I am a work in progress. We all are. I contribute a big part of my improved love for my body to my practice. The practice of acceptance and love. The practice of releasing the tension and hate. The practice of appreciating what my body can do, the journey it has taken, and the life it has created.
Let us forgive ourselves for thinking, and speaking, so badly of our own. Let us commit to accepting our capabilities, to enjoy our journey, and to appreciate the divine within ourselves. Let us work toward exploring who we are physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and find happiness there.
My body is my temple. It is the home in which my spirit resides and the allows me to venture through this life. It’s about time that I stop trying to tear it down.
(Copyright – 2017 – Whole, Hearty, Happy)