It isn’t something I asked for. To bear these feelings. These emotions. These thoughts. But, nevertheless, here we are.
For a while, I tried to convince myself that this was a more recent issue. You may remember that in my post, How My Hormones Caused My Depression, I discussed having sought treatment for physical and emotional ailments that seemed to be disrupting my daily life. Now, in retrospect, I see that there may be more to the story.
So often, it seems as though people only seek assistance when they are at their wits end. When they feel overwhelmed with life or completely broken. They tend to think of this alteration in their mood as a new development; that they have “been just fine” up until now. More often than not, it seems like that isn’t always the case. The anxiety, the depression – it’s been there for some time, just lingering under the surface. That was the case for me. When I took a moment to reflect, to really assess the long term history of my mood and the events that have taken place in my life, I realized that this storm has been brewing for so long. Periodically it would show it’s strength, but only more recently, had it shown its true wrath. The intensity in which it could affect me to my very core. And in doing so, it allowed me the opportunity to discover how it had been doing so, in bits and pieces, over time.
If I am being truly honest (which I feel like this is the perfect time to be such), I have had suicidal ideations off and on since I was a child. My mental and emotional health has been disrupted for many years. I went through a lot at a young age. Now, at this point in my life, I can see how it has helped me to grow into a stronger, smarter, and more compassionate person. However, as a child, I didn’t feel that same way. I felt lost. Hopeless. Useless. More recently, I have found forgiveness for those who have caused me so much pain as a child. And, I thought that, with that forgiveness and time passed, I had gotten to a place where such events should no longer bother me. What I didn’t expect to realize was how these events have forever shaped me. In many good ways, but also in some that are troubling and taxing – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The constant second guessing of myself. The fear that I can never be enough. The difficulty with practicing self-love. Being scared that one false move would cause someone to turn away and leave. Doubting everything I do. Apologizing repeatedly, even when it’s completely unnecessary. Anger outbursts. This list could go on…
Now, I know that this post seems to be dark, but there is light. Trust me.
Rehashing all of the past, all of the negative, is hard. Goodness, is it hard. But, for me, it has been so necessary. It has helped me to better understand the thoughts and behaviors that I have had over the years, as well as the ones that I have now. It allows me to have the awareness to assess how I feel, to decipher the truth in it, to find a trigger, to properly cope. I have learned that many of the behaviors I have had, have been a negative method that I have utilized to manage my mood. In doing so, I am able to be aware if they arise again, and replace them with a positive method instead. And, although there is still so much more for me to work on, the journey so far as been so awakening for me. And, in that, I have found that I don’t have to be a victim. That being a victim is a choice, and one that I don’t intend to make. My growth, my journey, my story… it’s something that I can take control over. And, I think there is great power and strength in that.
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